Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
