there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
