dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
