Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
