I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
