I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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