you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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