fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You have to summon your inner elephant
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Randomize
