not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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