don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
