So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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