Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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