I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
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you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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