My vagina just recognized that song.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
