Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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