I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
