my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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