She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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