My sheets look like a crime scene.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
