Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
