Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
