I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
