would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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