I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
