he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
