you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
