Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
