Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
