This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
