i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
