There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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