I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
