Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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