Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just googled if crying burns calories
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
