I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
