Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yo dont text me then not text me
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
