I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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