if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I met the friendliest cop last night
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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