pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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