i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
