Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
