Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
