I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
