Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
