and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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