I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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