just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
