I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
