Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
