so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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