so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
