Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
