what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
