I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
