I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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