You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
