If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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