i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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