K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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