NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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