i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
