I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
